Post-College, Pre-Professional.

Cin here. 2:59AM. 3:00AM.

Struggling to find the right words because I just got a little elevated right now, for the first time in a long day. haha. So, of course, as my relationship with my vices go, it brings about such beautiful thought process. lol. SO(f1) here are my night's revelations:

- I have only been back in the city for 2 days. As an official college student. As an official city girl, again. It feels like the safety of home and the fear of starting over, at the same time and depth.

I live with my parents again. Which,

being the only one in my college friend group to have actually gotten a house by junior year that we threw parties in and created a reputation out of,

really makes me feel like I'm taking steps back, instead of forward, within that department.

Also, I don't have a job yet.

Womp wompppp.

That's some scary shit because I no longer have any structured purpose in my life, other than

make money.

As much of it as you can,

as fast as your mind can gather,

yet never quite as deep as your heart needs for it to matter.

But still deep enough to fill the pockets so your ego-soul is getting fatter.

What if I want it all?

I think about this all the time.

I know what it takes to be an artist. Repetition. The more you produce, the more you learn to release, and the more you release, the more you produce opinion.

"People talk", (f2). said the one girl at the last 39G house party, in the balcony, after I was flabbergasted that she knew who I was before the introduction.

She said she'd been to other 39 G productions. lol

The point is...

I should be feeling a little disheartened right now.

I mean, I am. Scared out of my mind. My heart is racing right now because I truly felt, literally felt my body feel emotion towards not having Buffalo as an option anymore. (minimally)

I'm scared. lol SCARED.

However... I know it's only day 2 ya'll, but I've been feeling soooo good still even while being home. The scenes around me are happier/more engaged.

My family all collectively seems like they are happier. Exciting things happening. Today we just moved Giselle into her new 2 bedroom apartment. Wow, it's really nice, and it gave me a beautiful 12 hour day with my family.

........

We have to get them the land/house/garden/mini farm/ car before they go. They both gotta be alive for it. Put the work in mama!!!!!!

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Also, I've been applying vigorouslyy to jobs these last few days. Thoroughly. I have also been smoking a little less lol but on my own terms with that. Interesting.

f2"Between Cindy and Angel, the party house... "

(f1)The capital O was accident, not meant to seem extra. But the universe made it that way so it had to stay. lol